LL Cool Jams

What if LL Cool J opened a jam factory? It's not too difficult to picture. A simple transition from jams to jams. Hits to condiments. It was what he always aspired to be, but until the millions were made and the mic was firmly affixed to its holster for keeps, he couldn't pursue it. Music is more stable they told him. Everyone makes money from music! Jam is a flash in the pan. People will be downloading their jam's from torrent sites before we hit 2020, and where's yer 5 year plan when that happens LL? What happens then.

All he wanted to do was make jam. Logistics were never his strong point. He chased the dream regardless. "Got this Elderberry recipe that the world has to taste" He'd tell anyone who'd listen. He put the feelers out and got a hook up with a notorious jar guy. Connection made. Containers for his art. Can you ever contain art though? Such an organic thing so it is. Unlike these terrible unhealthy jams. Unless ye count liquidised pigs eyes as an organic ingredient. The containers were set, the recipes were on point, all he needed now was distribution.

LL had a plan.

"So I'm thinkin we overtake some of these Korean laundromats around here....we make them pay us protection money, and commandeer their vehicles...and boom, we got our distribution!"

"Mate' ye've got a garage full tae the brim wae transit vans, whit the fuck ye puttin folk outta business for?" asked Paul Lambert...wondering how the fuck he'd got there in the first place. Aston Villa were actually just about to kick off away at West Brom, but this joker was lounging about in LL Cool Js den, trying tae veto his plans to build an empire on jam and illegal activity.

"For jam baby! we do it all for the sweet sweet jams"

LL couldn't get a team together to ransack these Koreans though. Only guy he eventually managed to convince wis Ray J, cause what the fuck else is that cunt doing other than sticking jaggy nettles up the arse of his Kanye West voodoo doll? Ride all. Soon as they entered the first shop they were hitting up, the manager recognised Ray J right away. "Awwww thats the guy thats comes in here and masturbates while he watches his silk linens get ruined in the tumble dryer....MR MASTURBATOR...YOU'RE BARRED, WHIT YOU DAEIN IN HERE?"

So Ray J made like a banana and split, and since they hadn't actually began overthrowing the place yet, LL Cool J decided it was best to abort the whole thing, pretending he'd never met Ray J, and coming to an agreement with the Koreans for him to use their distribution service for a monthly fee of 2 grand. To be paid regardless of how much jam LL slings. Returning to the shagpad content that he got what he needed without resorting to crime, LL opened up his garage, to see Paul Lambert standing in there, pointing to the row of transit vans LL owner, and making that face ye make at somedy when yer thinking "for fuck sake man" This cunt got himself locked into multi year contract for a distribution system he didnae need, and we've definitely lost Ray J for good.  He's never gonnae stop running now.

"Paul...I'm gettin sick of the attitude man....I'll ask you one more time...why do we do this Paulie?" LL was exasperated now. He didnae feel that Paul Lambert was being a team player at this point, but Paul proved him, and all his detractors wrong when he stood on the bonnet of one of LLs transit vans, raise his fist triumphantly towards the sky and said "JAM! WE DO IT FOR JAM!

That elderberry shit is mad tasty yo.

Donate to SAMH pls.

https://www.justgiving.com/Martin-Smith46/?utm_source=Twitter&utm_medium=fundraisingpage&utm_content=Martin-Smith46&utm_campaign=pfp-tweet